Asking My Wife To Live With My Mom Wasn't About Control: The Truth Of "Ukukotiza" | Ayanda Buthelezi

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[S2] EPISODE 20: BREAKING THE IN-LAW STIGMA

What happens when culture, marriage, and modern masculinity collide? In this deeply personal episode, we sit down with Ayanda Buthelezi to unpack the often misunderstood practice of "Ukukotiza." In this traditional Nguni custom, a new bride spends time with her in-laws to learn the rhythms, responsibilities, and expectations of married life. But this is not just about tradition—it's about identity, manhood, and the sacred in-between space where a wife is not just joining a family but shaping one.

As husbands, we often stand silently at the edge of this process. But what if our silence is costing us something? Ayanda opens up about how Ukukotiza has evolved—how some families still treat it as a rite of passage with dignity, while others risk turning it into exploitation. We reflect honestly on what it means for a man to guide, protect, and honour this season, not as a controller, but as a covering. It’s about more than chores—it’s about culture, character, and covenant.

Whether you grew up watching "Ukukotiza" from the side lines or are navigating it with your new wife today, this episode invites you to rethink your role as a husband in a culturally rich but emotionally complex tradition. This isn’t just a conversation about our wives—it’s about us, too. About how we honour her, honour our elders, and honour God in how we merge culture and covenant.

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